Something just blew my mind completely, and it pertains directly to my last post. I was so hyper-focused on that thing -
You all know the expression ‘Can’t see the forest for the trees.’ With me it’s reversed, I usually ‘Can’t see the trees for the forest.’ As in I miss things that are directly under my nose because I’m looking at everything at one time, even when I look at the object or whatever I’m looking for repeatedly. Apparently I was especially good at not seeing exactly what I was looking for pertaining to my post, or more correctly not seeing it accurately.
I made reference in my last post to a psychiatric consultation I had. The report was all typed up nicely, in a binder in my lap. I went looking for the date of the appointment. I read the year as 2007. I was flawless with everything else I saw in the lovely Outpatient Evaluation, and got everything right, except for the date. I was spot-on with the month and day, but I screwed up the year – and I honestly looked at the date, specifically, at least three times.
This consult was in 2009.
That isn’t what shocks me, actually. I had a moment when I noticed it, but I have this sort of issue fairly regularly. Even if I didn’t, something like that would pale by comparison to the actual impetus for what I still feel resonating through to my core.
I also discussed my severe mental decline in the original post. And while I couldn’t answer what caused my disintegration, not specifically, I could almost “get” the progression and generalization of a severe decline over two-and-a-half years, because I lived through it.
Six months. In six effing months, I went from confident, independent, thoughtful, and resolute, to. . . Well mush is all I can come up with because of the degree of the shock. Mush-brain, mush-decisions, mush-me. In every way that mattered.
How the hell? I wouldn’t believe it if it weren’t right in front of me. Six months. . .
This could be really bad for me right now.
Moral of the story: If you find yourself on a ledge, where you’re already teetering, and something comes along and does everything to push you into the abyss, you fight, you claw, you scratch, you kick, you cling for dear life, but you resolve that you will not let that motherfucker push you in. Fight with everything you have, but don’t let yourself fall. Don’t even consider it a possible outcome.
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