Something kind of interesting has happened since my last post, exactly one month ago. I seem to have lost the habit of being able to write one of these. But I guess the best way to do this is to just hurry up and do it, and trust that the things I need to fall back into place will do so.
That isn’t the only interesting thing that happened in my life. December happened, Christmas and the New Year’s holiday and stress as well. Slipping under and breaking the surface and treading water. I’ve dealt with unrelenting migraines, relationship stress, seclusion and self-isolation, and a recently worsening essential tremor. But I have also enjoyed unwavering love, support, and understanding from the people I need most. I’ve had wonderful news (news that something akin to superstition will not yet let me post here, but hopefully soon), and thanks to an offhanded suggestion by my mother, I am delighted to announce that I am reading again!
(I am eating up books at a speed that has even astonished my mom, who knows how much I used to read. I think the “slow processing speed” they tagged me with during my neuro-cognitive evaluation is a load of rubbish.)
Actually, I have written about a dozen posts in my head. I just trashed each and every one.
Right now I am in sort of an odd place. My mind is actually pretty peaceful, for the most part. I am content to just let each day unfold on its own, to not force myself to do or think about or be anything except what I am. I have been calm and relatively symptom-free, despite the fact that I am not currently taking any medications to manage my mood and anxiety disorders.
But. . . Well, if I look at things from a different perspective, I seem to see that by all objective measures I am severely depressed. I almost never leave my house. It is just too colossal an effort for me to even drag my coat and shoes on over my pajamas and drive two minutes to get some coffee. I barely eat. Even simply heating something on the stove is too big a task. I have cut myself off almost completely from all of my friends and family, except for my parents. Aside from my newly rediscovered passion for reading, I don’t really have any interest in doing anything.
So why don’t I feel like I am depressed? Oh well. Small favors, right? Or, actually, that would be a very large favor.
I hope that all of you have been keeping well. My next big step is going to be to step back up to the green felt table and throw in my chips for some more medication roulette, it would seem. All psychological and psychiatric issues set aside, these constant, debilitating migraines I have been dealing with are forcing me to go back to taking something regularly to control them. And a lot of the medications used for migraine management are also used for mood management.
Moral of the story: ”And so it goes.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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