Something kind of interesting has happened since my last post, exactly one month ago. I seem to have lost the habit of being able to write one of these. But I guess the best way to do this is to just hurry up and do it, and trust that the things I need to fall back into place will do so.
That isn’t the only interesting thing that happened in my life. December happened, Christmas and the New Year’s holiday and stress as well. Slipping under and breaking the surface and treading water. I’ve dealt with unrelenting migraines, relationship stress, seclusion and self-isolation, and a recently worsening essential tremor. But I have also enjoyed unwavering love, support, and understanding from the people I need most. I’ve had wonderful news (news that something akin to superstition will not yet let me post here, but hopefully soon), and thanks to an offhanded suggestion by my mother, I am delighted to announce that I am reading again!
(I am eating up books at a speed that has even astonished my mom, who knows how much I used to read. I think the “slow processing speed” they tagged me with during my neuro-cognitive evaluation is a load of rubbish.)
Actually, I have written about a dozen posts in my head. I just trashed each and every one.
Right now I am in sort of an odd place. My mind is actually pretty peaceful, for the most part. I am content to just let each day unfold on its own, to not force myself to do or think about or be anything except what I am. I have been calm and relatively symptom-free, despite the fact that I am not currently taking any medications to manage my mood and anxiety disorders.
But. . . Well, if I look at things from a different perspective, I seem to see that by all objective measures I am severely depressed. I almost never leave my house. It is just too colossal an effort for me to even drag my coat and shoes on over my pajamas and drive two minutes to get some coffee. I barely eat. Even simply heating something on the stove is too big a task. I have cut myself off almost completely from all of my friends and family, except for my parents. Aside from my newly rediscovered passion for reading, I don’t really have any interest in doing anything.
So why don’t I feel like I am depressed? Oh well. Small favors, right? Or, actually, that would be a very large favor.
I hope that all of you have been keeping well. My next big step is going to be to step back up to the green felt table and throw in my chips for some more medication roulette, it would seem. All psychological and psychiatric issues set aside, these constant, debilitating migraines I have been dealing with are forcing me to go back to taking something regularly to control them. And a lot of the medications used for migraine management are also used for mood management.
Moral of the story: ”And so it goes.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
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So happy to see you back. Happy New Year, Ruby.
Happy New Year to you, Sharon. I’ve missed you!
I am a fellow blogger and have just been awarded “The Versatile Blogger” award by another blogger. (Please understand that I know little about it but am grateful to have been awarded it.)
As far as I can make out it is an award given by bloggers to other bloggers whose work/blogs they appreciate.
Part of getting this award is that you have to pass it along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
Since I have visited your blog a few times now and really enjoyed it (albeit that I normally prefer to just read it and then leave, I thought I would award this award to you also as the author of a blog I enjoy reading.
I have also, as part of this, detailed your blog on one of my blogs “Voices of Glass” http://voicesofglass.com/2012/01/10/yay-an-awar-now-that-is-somewhat-bemusing/
I hope you don’t mind and understand that I really do enjoy your blog which is why I included it in my list.
Kind Regards,
Kevin.
Kevin, that is so kind of you. Of course I don’t mind, thank you for thinking of me!
I’m ecstatic to see you back! I missed you beyond words! I’m sorry to hear that things are still rough. But, it seems like you’re getting somewhere. And that’s the least that I’ve hoped for you. Stable is good when you’re off of the medications. Even if it’s a stability within depression.
And most of all, I am completely overjoyed that you’re reading again! Yay!
I can’t wait to hear about all of your goings on!!!
Lulu, you are such an incredible friend. I’m ecstatic to be back! We definitely have to dish and catch up soon. Thank you for being so patient and understanding through all of this.
Of course! I don’t jump ship because a friend needs some remodelling time. It does take time. I’ve been remodelling my house for over 6 years now! And that’s including a lot of repairs that needed done too. I don’t expect things to happen in a day, because they didn’t get like that in a day! I’m seriously jazzed that you’re here again!
And I have so much dish too. I didn’t write a post about it yet, T.D is actually having conversations now. He’s picking up new words and phrases at a furious pace. I’m amazed, because his therapy stopped about 3 months ago. I guess my MIL was right. He just woke up one day and started asking questions!
And I love the word “dish”. C.S and I used to use it all of the time before we were together.
Again, thank you. I’m pretty much continually in repair and remodel mode.
That’s so wonderful to read about T.D.! You and C.S. both must be over the moon!
Glad you are writing again and hope you get better and better every day.
Thank you so very much! Your words mean a great deal to me, the fact that you stopped by and commented.
Yes indeed, I’m with everyone else, glad to hear you are back and that you are able to read well again. I understand the reading issue, and am sorry to hear the migraines persist. I used to get nasty ones for stretches and then be okay for awhile. It’s a strange thing. Looking forward to reading more.
Laurie, thank you so much. I’m sorry that you have had to deal with migraines. Mine seem to follow the pattern you mentioned, I have periods of time where they aren’t very frequent, then other times (like recently) I have them five days out of seven. Still don’t know why. *shrug*
Glad you’re back, great that you’re reading, sounds like meds might help lever you out of the “cold molasses” syndrome. That’s what I call it when getting out of the recliner and flipping the switch on the tea kettle just seems to be too much effort in exchange for the comfort that a cup of tea would be.
Rooting for your good news, whatever it may be!
Laura
Laura, that term “cold molasses” is a good one. I’ll have to remember it. I’ve been working on getting the medication aspect figured out. Right now I just have to be brave and try something. Ever since my ER visit, I have been really hesitant. Which I think is understandable.
Thanks for rooting for me. I should know soon, and I’ll let the world know!
Welcome back!
I’d like to let you know that I nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award: http://themirthofdespair.wordpress.com/2012/01/08/versatile-blogger-award/?preview=true&preview_id=151&preview_nonce=ed342eb02a
Thank you, fracturedangel, that was so very sweet of you! I have to stop by your blog and catch back up.
You made my day by having an updated post here. You’re actually kicking me in the ass to get a new post up myself. Thank you Ruby, MISSED YOU!
Suzie, I’ve missed me too. I’ve also missed you a lot.
But I have been counting the days until your new book! Three to go, hooray!!! I can’t wait to read it!
What can I say that hasn’t already been said? Glad you’re back and Happy New Year!
Thanks, Vivien! Happy New Year to you!
Hang in there. I feel your pain, hon.
You’re sweet to reach out. It really means so much to me that you would take the time to encourage me, but from the little I have had a chance to read on your blog, it seems like that’s the type of person you are. Keep it up, we need a lot more of you!
Welcome back and do keep writing!
Thank you very much. It’s so good to be back, and I’m certainly going to try to keep at it. It’s so important to me!
Hello Ruby
Absolutely loving the moral of your story – Slaughterhouse 5 is such an intense book – it’s a favourite of mine.
I’m only just catching up on blogs and stuff after New Year crisis – but I look forward to reading your posts, (I am also one for drafting and deleting!) so please keep ‘em coming!
Hope they help treat your migraines, they sound horrific, sending lots of love and well wishes xx
Hi, voiceofautumn (that’s so beautiful).
Vonnegut is quite possibly my favorite author ever – it’s hard to choose one. I am reading his biography, and I am actually just in the part on his experiences in WWII, which of course was the inspiration for Slaughterhouse-Five, a very intense book indeed.
I haven’t gotten enough into your blog to know about your New Year crisis – I do hope everything is okay. I’m going to try to keep them coming. Sometimes I am temporarily incapacitated, but I seem always to come back.
Migraines are better right now (hooray!). Thank you for your love, your well wishes, for reading this, and for your very thoughtful comment.