I am getting so damned sick of having to bandage shaving wounds I inflict upon myself with gauze and medical tape to stop the bleeding, then having to go back to clean up scenes reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho in my shower. This is what I get for having epiphanies while holding a razor so near to my ankle.
But this time, it’s worth it. I haven’t had words for a very long time, they had literally gone, but thanks to a friend of mine (whom shall be henceforth known simply as The Muse, she has inspired so much that matters in what I write) and a conversation we had, I have something important to say, and I know how to say it.
So sit down and listen, because when Mama Ruby talks like this, those who fail to pay attention do so at their own peril.
Now I am going to say one word, and I’ll only say it once, so you will not turn away because you are over-saturated-sick-to-death of reading and hearing about it: Steubenville.
SIT. BACK. DOWN.
That’s not what I’m going to talk about, not directly. A lot of people have already done a much better job than I ever could, and I’ll provide some links at the bottom for those who are interested.
But, as it would turn out, I have something to say related to this that hasn’t yet shown up on my radar as having been discussed. And if it has, it bears repeating. Mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, anyone who is raising children, this matters.
I’m going to tell you how to talk your children about sex, and how not to. I don’t mean I’m going to give you my value system, so you in the back there, getting up? Yes, I see you. Sit.
I had a conversation some time ago with a child of mine.* I’m going to withhold all details of which one out of respect to her. She’s old enough to be talking about sex (I think nowadays kids start doing that at preschool, right?), but what popped out of her mouth that day floored me. It was a remark that came from some of her friends about rape, and if it hadn’t gotten me so livid, the subject matter probably would have taken me a bit by surprise.
The comment was how “such-and-such” behavior meant boys were going to rape her, if she didn’t do it differently. Again, not mine to share, also not the point. I got so whipped into a frenzy by this, I gave her the “doesn’t matter what you wear, do, if you’re drunk, etc.” and moved on and on, performing my denouement somewhere around, “I don’t care if you are lying naked on a bed, with a man you have had sex with hundreds of times before, I don’t care if he’s your husband, if you say no, he has no right.“
She got a little quiet by the end of my soliloquy — and I mean in demeanor, she never breaks in on me when I “get like that”, which isn’t very often. In fact, she smiled a little inside. Being able to read her, I can tell you it is exactly why she mentioned it, consciously or not. She knew, but she needed the kind of fiery hot rage of reassurance that only Mama Ruby can provide.
She has good parents. Wonderful parents. And I guarantee that they have talked to her about sex. Rape?
Here’s the thing, my loves. I don’t believe in an abstinence only approach. I also don’t believe that every child should be given condoms at a certain age. I believe that if you are raising a child, you should absolutely do your best to instill your values into them (unless your values are really messed up, in which case you shouldn’t be raising a child and God help them).
But.
Your children are going to grow up, and they’re probably going to do some things you don’t agree with. And even if they don’t, the odds are extremely high that they’ll have something done to them. Every parent has that worst nightmare, and so do I, and every parent says, “not my child”. That second thing I hope and I pray with everything in me, but I don’t say it blindly. In the United States, one out of every six women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.**
Here is where the conversation parents have with their children needs undergo a seismic shift. Because we live in a rape culture, that is a fact. It’s an ugly one, and one that needs to change, but I’m not dealing in what “should be” right now, I’m dealing in the ugly reality of what is.
Parents, when you talk with your daughters (and sons) about sex, if you tell them to wait for marriage, if that is fundamental to your beliefs, I support you wholeheartedly. With two caveats. And to clarify, the second caveat applies to whatever stance you take when you talk with your kids, so those of you who have no problem with pre-marital sex, back in your seats.
The first is that you do not ever use the words “wrong”, “bad”, “immoral” or even “sin” when you do it. That isn’t going to change the mind of a child/young adult/teenager/adult when they have decided to explore sex outside of the bonds of marriage. I know, I’m sorry, it hurts to hear that, but it just isn’t. What it is going to do is plant a deep seed of shame within them. Such that if they are ever molested, raped, or sexually assaulted in any way, they’re going to be that much more hesitant to come forward and talk to you. After all, if sex outside of marriage is so bad and wrong and sinful, then they must be bad and sinful, too. Think what that does to someone who has just been horribly traumatized.
Don’t tell me it doesn’t work like that, either. You expect them to listen when you say don’t have sex before marriage, but not remember all the other things you said when someone forces sex upon them against their will, their want, the very beliefs you have instilled? Uh-uh. No way. You can’t have both.
Which brings us to caveat number two. When you talk to your daughters and sons about sex, talk to them about sexual assault and rape, too. I know. Really big and really scary and my guts are churning just thinking of how to broach it. But bite the damned bullet and do it. Make sure that whether or not you think sex should only occur in marriage, when you teach your child about sex, you also teach them that if they are raped, if they are attacked in any way, it is never their fault. That even if they have broken every rule you have ever made for them, if they have had sex before, if they were out drunk partying, I don’t care, doesn’t matter, they can come back and tell you what happened and you will support them with all of your heart. And follow through on that.
If, God forbid, your daughter should come stumbling in at three a.m., clothes a mess, sobbing, and tell you she was assaulted, don’t ask what she was doing out, don’t ask her where she got that dress that’s so short. Sit down with her and tell her that you love her and will do anything she needs you to. I can’t tell you what that may be. Maybe the foundation you laid will be enough to help her want to call 911 and report it. Maybe she won’t be able to do that, and it won’t be anyone’s fault but the scum who put her in such a state. But at least she’ll know that you have her back 110%, that you don’t think she’s “bad” or “sinful”, and that you want to do whatever you can to help her.
And, sadly, even that won’t make her magically feel better, like when you used to be able to kiss a bump and make it go away. But it may make it easier for her to see herself as a worthwhile, valuable, beautiful human being once again.
*For those who don’t know, I have no children of my own. I do have several “daughters of my heart” that I used to care for and still consider “mine”.
**Source: RAINN | Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network
Relevant Reads:
I’m angry | Meizac
The Wrong Message | The Bad Luck Detective (trigger warning)
And if you read nothing else, please read this piece:
Steubenville’s Jane Doe asked people to do something…
© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Great post, Ruby. I’m still fuming about this whole thing too, especially the irresponsible and damaging “news” coverage that is giving the rape culture permission to go on raping, because even when they go ahead and document their rapes themselves, it’s always the girl’s fault because what was she doing in that place at that time drunk and maybe drugged because she drank that “special” drink they gave her…uh-oh, I’d better quit now. But thank you.
I’m glad you appreciated it. I don’t think anything that went on with that was anything but horrific, but with this I was trying to look at reality, and what we need to be doing differently as parents.
It takes a long time for a culture to change, no matter how wrong. But it only takes a little time and belief to help change how your child may react to the horrible realities that do exist.
This is SO important, Ruby. I was nodding all the way through. I am going to share the heck out of this.
I’m so glad it struck a chord with you. And thank you, because I really do believe wholeheartedly in it, and while there’s so much we can’t change by ourselves, this one we can.
Excellent, necessary, post. Thanks for the important reminders……..
Thank you, Janet. I can’t tell you how much this one meant to me.
Well said, Ruby. You know how much I mean that, so I’ll say no more.
But well said.
Thank you, Ken. It was incredibly important to me to get it out, and it means a great deal to me that you find value in it.
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Reblogged this on Pieces of Me.
Also: have you considered waxing? It really is much less painful, is bloodless, and leaves no nasty stubble. (Here I have to admit that I really do enjoy the very small amount of pain that waxing entails, so that makes it even more alluring. To me.)
Lol, Soul Survivor, I saw just the beginning of this comment in my dashboard and thought your account must have gotten hacked! I forgot how I started this piece off.
I really am usually very good at shaving, it’s just I do a lot of thinking in the shower, and twice recently I have failed to pay adequate attention and my left ankle has gotten sliced pretty badly. It’s actually very therapeutic, when I do it right, because I force myself to stop my brain and focus on what I’m doing so I don’t cut myself.
OK, I guess body hair maintenance is one of those completely individually preferential things. For you, Zen. For me, Edward Scissor Hands.
Definitely agree about it being very individual. Most of my grooming habits are, though, and I would be hard-pressed to change them for any reason.
I learned sex only in school and by experience. I also learned about sexual assault by experience. I plan on having the rape conversation with my kids and especially pressing on my boys that they NEVER get to touch another human being unless they are in their right mind to consent.
All very well said.
Well done Ruby. Agree completely with everything in your post. A little sad that it has to be said … but sadly, it does need to be said. Many folk with kids do not have this wisdom at the ready.
Excellent post. I wrote about the whole thing also, as many of us did. The different perspectives and the various focal points we chose just shows how important this is. How far we still need to go as women. How we need to hold media responsible for these callous and misinformed attitudes about sex and rape. How to talk to children about rape. All important conversations that we should be having everyday – not just when one story gets the media attention!
You could have written this in all caps, Ruby – it’s that important. It should be shouted. Over and over. I’m trying to not be ashamed to be one of the male of the species, but it’s hard.
My girls are probably not too young to start hearing about such things (good grief). Maybe they are; I don’t know. Either way, I will for sure talk to them in this context when the time comes. Oy. Thanks for this.
Some topics will never be over-talked about. My sex talk from my mom was, “If you ever get pregnant, don’t bother coming home.” Which is ironic, considering she got pregnant at 18, and was unmarried. More parents need to talk to their kids about acceptable boundaries when it comes to all the avenues of rape. I started talking to my kids when they could speak, and ask questions. I never made up words for the human reproductive organs (Hello, Oprah), because I feel that makes them shameful. As my kids got older our discussions got more in depth, according to their age. My youngest (daughter) is now a Jr. in high school. We have a VERY open, comfortable relationship. I believe this is because I never colored the human body as shameful. Something to respect and protect, yes, but never shameful. – I know what it’s like to be raised that way.
Women are STILL living in the dark ages overall. Medically overlooked, treated like cattle, and seen as “less than”, compared to their male counterparts. Only when more people educate themselves and learn how to respect all human life will that balance ever fully tip the other direction. But, in order for that to start happening, women need to start respecting themselves more. Stand up for each other. Speak for themselves. Don’t tolerate mistreatment from anyone; lead by example.
We raise the kids, for crying out loud. There is no excuse for not teaching your children to respect both themselves, and others, regardless of gender. As parents, WE set the bar of acceptability. If we blow off poor behavior (from either gender), how can we expect our kids to do otherwise?