But someone whom I respect tremendously (and have a bit of a crush on – yes, still, and forever) has kindly offered a medium to explain at least the way I feel for me so’s I can give my overloaded brain some respite.
(This song and video are solely the property of their respective owners and artists. Absolutely no copyright infringement is intended.)
(And anyone who knows anything about me knows how crucial it is to me that he introduced the bass player/vocalist.)
Moral of the story: “Give your ears a chance.” ~ My maternal grandfather and most kindred spirit, heart of my heart, soul of my soul
I spoke with someone yesterday at some length about my decision not to have children. Actually, she spoke, I nodded and smiled (even though it was on the phone and she couldn’t see me) and tried very hard to change the subject.
People in my life, even my closest friends, most of them don’t seem to understand that just because I have made the decision not to have kids, that doesn’t mean it’s an easy topic to discuss. As it happens, it’s one of the more difficult in my life.
I helped to raise the two most perfect baby girls you could ever imagine. I was there every step of the way (literally as well as figuratively), from the magical to the hellish to the every day. Every moment on the spectrum. And I never held them at arm’s length because they were “someone else’s kids.” They were, and are still, my kids. Their triumphs are mine, I endure their trials alongside them, when they bleed I scar.
I don’t think anyone in the world who has made the decision not to have children knows quite so well as I do exactly the particulars and consequences of that choice. I would love to have a child, and I would be an incredible mother. But this is something I have thought about long and hard over a course of years, it’s a decision I make again most every day, and whether it’s an easy or a difficult conclusion for me to accept, it’s the right one.
There are so many things I could have been, could still be, and I would be wonderful at them. A doctor, a mother, a linguist, a writer, a photographer, a teacher, an advocate. But I don’t do things in my life half-way. I won’t throw myself into a million different ventures, because you cannot devote yourself to any of them wholeheartedly when you do.
Were I to have a child, everything else would be dropped completely. Having spent so much time raising other people’s children, I’ll be damned if I will miss out on any of the moments in my own baby’s life. From bath time to play time to meal time to nap time to being thrown up on and wakened because a diaper needs changing or a nightmare has caused for my little one the need to climb into bed with me.
Eventually, when my child started school, I might be able to return to writing. The only way that I know how to write, you see, is to give it my undivided attention. No phone calls, no knocks on the door, no distractions at all. That’s how I’m wired, the end.
And we’re talking strictly of the “me” aspect on this one, not even beginning to consider whom the child’s father might be and his role and understanding of the way I am wired. I am not going to deliberately bring a child into this world without a man whom I love and trust to help me parent, and that ship sailed long ago. I know that there are many out there who think I am just being cynical, but you know not the details of that particular aspect of my life. And you never will. The best way I can choose to be a good, responsible, loving, caring, nurturing parent to my child is not to conceive them.
Still, last night, after I got off the phone with this dear friend, I did something I haven’t done in some time. I curled up on the floor in my bedroom and I cried some. Was I crying for my baby? Yes. Was I crying for love? Yes. Was I crying for the doctor I will never be and the roads I will never walk? Also yes.
It isn’t something which can properly be explained, but that doesn’t mean I won’t attempt it.
Every choice you make in your life, big or little, automatically eliminates endless other choices. You choose today to get the mint chocolate chip ice cream? Well that rules out the strawberry. You choose to spend your money on a plane ticket? The newest bestseller and that dress you fell in love with and the shoes that would be perfect with it? You can’t have them now. You choose to devote your life to one path? You rule out almost every other. You choose instead to include in your life many different pursuits? You miss the smallest pieces, the finest mundane moments of each.
I (I was going to preface this statement with ‘I think,’ but I don’t think, I know) have a capacity to feel and understand and grasp the ramifications and subtleties of those things in life that nearly no one can. Most people just aren’t wired that way, some are but choose not to let it all in. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my manic-depression or mental differences. Except perhaps insofar as the combination of my innate ability for seeing what others don’t coupled with my bipolar makes certain moments and life experiences more visceral.
The title of this post is, ‘Whatever You Do In Life, You’re Going To Regret It.’ Most people won’t, because most people don’t see the smallest, most infinitesimal threads that make up the greater fabric of life. And that’s for the best, it’s as it should be.
Moral of the story: I know I will look back and regret the choices I didn’t make, and the lives I didn’t lead. But that doesn’t mean that those choices would have been right for me, nor those lives ones I should have lived instead.
Okay, it really isn’t that bad. But I’ve been working hard on this new project, A Canvas Of The Minds, trying to recruit more voices and get out all of the bugs and actually write something for it here and there, and it seems I let my own blog fall a bit by the wayside. It hasn’t been that long, but it’s been too long for me.
I need to hurry up and get someone to pay me for the things that I write, because it has been taking up so much of my time.
But I have had some really good things come from all of this mishigas. I’m connecting with people in a way I never would have, otherwise. I’ve been (kind of) learning to write in HTML, which may not seem like much to the casual observer, but considering how little I used to know or really care to know about computers, it’s a pretty big deal. It’s given me a way to focus my energies and – well I don’t want to say mentor people, because that just sounds sort of big sister/pretentious to me. I guess maybe recruit and encourage some people who have good talent and important things to say, and just never would have found a voice or venue otherwise. I’m not sure about that part, we’ll have to see, mostly it’s still in the works (ahem).
It has also been a really positive thing for me, because it has taken my focus and turned it more outward, at least somewhat. I’m not saying that I still don’t have a great deal of work to do on myself, and that the very concentrated time being hyper-focused inward wasn’t necessary and important, but I think I hit the point where it was really a good thing to start working through everything and doing self-therapy the way I’ve always done it best – by looking at and doing what I can for other people who are struggling. Not even just people who are struggling, as such, but people who could use some direction, guidance, or even just a nudge or a new idea or encouragement.
I guess that having been so mired down in myself, it’s really a wonderful feeling to once again turn outward and notice the rest of the world and how I might be useful and good for them, even just a very little bit at a time.
Plus, since this whole experience requires making commitments to other people, but they’re people who understand where I’m at personally and are very kind, while there is an obligation to others, it isn’t the kind you have if you’re in a traditional work environment with deadlines, or even if you’re a parent who has to get the baby fed and bathed and dressed. Although I really, really do miss those days. I still remember the smell of baby, fresh from the bath. . .
Things have been nice and much less stressful because I’ve had the house to myself, as well (that ends soon). Also, I have something really exciting and positive to look forward to in the very near future. Oh. And of course I’ve been watching loads of iCarly. ;)
Moral of the story: (I feel so out of practice at this part) I haven’t gone anywhere, and I’m sure my fingers will be flying across the keys for this blog as frequently as usual soon. But I’ve found all sorts of new ways to help myself feel better, so be happy for me!
Here it is! I have been working very hard, and collaborating on the development of another blog. This one is a different approach, a community of people blogging together. Well, it will be, anyway. Three authors (including me) are already on board, another has given a yes, and after the diversity is a bit more properly on display, we’re going to get to reaching out and recruiting and advertising.
As far as I am concerned, I’m keeping this blog for my primary, and just contributing to the new project here and there, and only with regard to my mental differences. Although so far there are two posts up, and they’re both mine. But I have the most time, currently.
So shall I give you the link? Would you like to know where to find it? Are you sure? Do you really want to know?
Okay, I’ve kept you in suspense long enough. A Canvas Of The Minds - still very much in development, but I’ll keep you posted!
Something new and exciting is coming very soon! I promise, it won’t be much longer. . . Details, details!
That’s all that you get right now. ;)
Kisses,
Ruby
P.S. Farewell password protection on blog posts (although I of course reserve the right to change my mind in specific instances). Any issues people have with me and what I write are theirs, not mine.
*credit where credit is due, lunasunshine is once again my inspiration for this title (by the way, Lulu, you’re my first priority tomorrow, so you know).
That’s what I feel like lately. My life is on pause. Thing is, it has been for years, literally, but I had the illusion that I was making progress coupled with the fact that I was in misery and well more than half out of my mind trying to escape it to keep me from noticing.
I’m in an odd situation now. I realize not only that my life has been paused, but that it still is. I’m waiting for so many things to happen. Waiting, because while I’m finally (mostly) to a point where I’m ready anxious for them to, I’m not quite to a point where I can take the necessary steps tomake things happen. I cannot yet effect change in any meaningful way.
I feel almost as though I’m in Purgatory, but – well Jesus Christ (pun not intended). Why do I fucking have to research things? I always thought, being raised Roman Catholic, I had a decent grasp on the majority of the concepts involved. I couldn’t quote you line and verse of all of the catechism imparted to me during the years leading up to my Confirmation, but the bigger things. . . This doesn’t feel like an ECT moment.
Except maybe it is, because I went researching on Purgatory, and I wouldn’t have done that on the idea of heaven or the first Holy Communion or even the Nicene Creed.
Point being, I held the concept of Purgatory to be a state merely of limbo, not suffering as final repentence. I lose.
Okay, re-framing.
So maybe the last six years have been Purgatory for me. Only if I truly believe all of this, in a religious context – mostly I feel simply like it’s a question still up to interpretation – then there will inevitably be a great deal more suffering to come.
And with that, I close. Short and to the point beats insipid rambling every time, in my book. I’m sure I’ll get going on my practically trademark tangents again once I rid myself of the sleepies that have plagued me of late.
Moral of the story: ”Nothing is final until you’re dead, and even then I’m sure God negotiates.” ~ Angelica Huston, Ever After
. . . fuck (I do try to keep the profanity out of the title, at least).
So I haven’t slept (again), and my plans of going to meet my sis, Em – who’s in town with my brother-in-law and niece – and another good friend were derailed due to the pseudoseizures. I screwed around reading news articles, played on a certain social site (thank you, Brian – I know Andrea will pass this on* – for posting hilarious albums, and lots of them, so now when I’m low I still have plenty of things to guarantee a good laugh, not sure whom to thank for you having a sense of humor so deeply akin to my own), was all set to conk out, then realized that I hadn’t blogged. And that if I take a sleeper – yes, another one - no one will hear anything from me for like two days. Which wouldn’t concern anyone if I hadn’t been posting daily.
So Brian, you now get another nod for focusing this post. My readers will also be grateful, I’m sure.
Let’s talk shock value. Many years ago (starting at oh, say, 13) I dyed my hair for the first time. From dishwater blonde to fire engine red. I did it just ’cause I wanted to, but of course – being a free-spirited, rebellious type teen – I got a kick from the “shock value.” My mother and father were horrified (even though red is really good on me), complete strangers crossed the cafeteria at school to make comments. Mostly they were snarky bitches, but I loved telling them what was what, and how their opinion didn’t even register with me – which of course shocked them even more, because I clearly meant it. No one is that secure at 13. No one. But I can honestly look back and say that I was.
Even my friends were shocked, in a much nicer way. In retrospect, that was probably when the bipolar really started kicking in, and I was borderline to full-on. . . You know what, as I think about things, I was full-on hypomanic, borderline manic (and yes, I will get some basic definitions up soon, until then, Dictionary and Thesaurus – Merriam-Webster Online - they have a “Medical” tab, fourth from left, try that).
At any rate, it’s hard to tease out the whys now. When I did something, “unusual,” was it me, was it mania, was it the high I got from still, years and years later, still being able to shock people? Probably all three. Although I can look back and happily declare that I never did anything I regret for shock value.
WARNING: Detour – Just had this moment, where I’m sitting and thinking about how many times I have used the word “shock” in this post without it bringing to mind electroconvulsive therapy (six, if you count the past tense). That either means I’m recovering a bit more from the PTSD, or I’m really tired and my brain is in slow-mo. Time and tide, my lovelies.
At any rate, I did many things over the years that shocked people, in fact I still managed to do it to my mom, twice in two months, actually (easy mark, though). See: Whoring Myself For Charity, which is the second example but contains a link to the first.
Moreover, if people I know knew the half of what they don’t know. . . ”Won’t confess all my sins. . .” (I’ve tapped this song so many times without actually linking to it. . .
(This song and video are solely the property of their respective owners and artists. Absolutely no copyright infringement is intended.)
I was going to say just close your eyes and listen, because I feel like this song is a good depiction of me, however I look nothing like Shakira, but then I thought, Hell, if my readers want to associate me with an image, I could do much, much worse. . . and there were the belly dancing lessons. . . so watch or just listen, your choice).
Moving on.
So I thought I was past the deliberate shock value phase in my life – but I did some things last night and today that might make a liar out of me if I made that statement definitively. Also, now that I think about it, this one was pretty much deliberate (last link, I’m almost positive): Femme Fatale.
Oh, and I actually even managed to shock myself today (which is really not deliberate) – I walked past a full-length mirror, sans. . . well, everything, and finally caught a glimpse of why others see me as so thin. I stand by my statements as to my health, but I actually kind of get it now.
Christ, this post is going to be a bitch to edit – which we’ve established I hate – and a mess to tag.
Moral of the story: ’Never make agreements. . .’
*I am obviously now passing this on myself (but I like to put Andrea in here whenever possible), the last link in question regarding being self-critical versus hypercritical (this is going to be way too much of me all at once, most likely, so take it in little doses): Do You Believe In Magic?
So the idea for the night was to work on another long-term project for this site, respond to comments, and catch up on other blogs. Then I got depressed, because when I was researching for my project, I was trying to find a reliable statistic for actual treatment-resistant bipolar patients. I did not find one, however I did find all sorts of alternative treatments for those who fall into this category. If you’ve been paying attention, you know what comes next. . .
I had already been through pretty much all of them. All but one I had tried and found ineffective, or (even better) medically intolerable. Not side effects that have to be tolerated and adapted to and accepted because of medication effectiveness, things that land a person in the ER (or would have managed to kill me in various ways, had I not caught the problem my damned self). FYI, some of this info will be repeated in the days or so to come, I’ll explain why, if I remember to.
So I bookmarked the one I did find, to do more research on later – it was an itty bitty study, and imperfect in other ways, but I’m fairly beyond desperate.
So, then my computer decided it needed to restart to install updates. Except, after I saved everything and restarted, it was frozen. Not CTRL+ALT+DEL frozen either, but have to hold down the power button and start in safe mode with command prompt. Okay, great. I get the concept of command prompt, I’m old enough that when I started using computers there were such things as floppy disks that were actually floppy, and hard disks, and everything was green screen. Do you know how long ago that was? What the fuck do I do with command prompt? I’ll tell you what, I hold down the power button again and cross my fingers, because I’m told that’s pretty bad for your computer. How bad is it for your computer? Anyone?
God, it’s like I’m ADD this past evening. Which is not an insult to those with ADD, it’s a legitimate concern of mine.
So, at any rate, depressed, pissed off, finally got the damned thing to work but at that point we were both overheated, so I went downstairs to watch iParty With Victorious, the iCarly-Victorious crossover special. I love iCarly. Don’t judge.
So I come back to my laptop (actually happy), because I have a full day and I don’t know when I’ll be home and I want to get a post up here for today (don’t ask why this is so important to me, just trust, it’s easier). And what do I do? I play around on other sites for about an hour. And I do other things which I shouldn’t, which I won’t mention here, there, anywhere, or to anyone. Ever. Trust issues (and, oh my God, irony).
And my alarm for my medication didn’t go off, which annoyed me. And, well, now I’m just cranky. Except for something that just made me really happy, which I’m not going to start in on when I’ve babbled for so long already.
So usually when I write a blog, I hyper-focus. Phone on silent, ignore people yelling up the stairs, don’t notice other websites, etc. I am flipping all over the place today. Adult ADD or hypomania?
Time will tell. And I honestly do not know which would be a worse scenario for me, personally.
Oh, and as for the information that will be repeated, almost verbatim (although likely not until next week, at the earliest): I am writing a theoretically long post which I will break into smaller posts and do in a series, with the idea of educating the people I know (from other places, including face-to-face) and love about my personal craziness. I just think I’m so open about it, and people really don’t know how to respond to that. I actually think they are way more unsure about how to react than when they find out accidentally, or when you confide in them about it. Mental illness is so stigmatized, and people are used to those who have it hiding it, or at least not being as open as I, so they really don’t know how they should act. This is an attempt to inform and help them. So there you go.
Moral of the story: When you find something that works for you, stick with it. No matter what.
Oh, and Happy Bastille Day: Liberty, Equality, and Fraternity! If you have no idea what this French holiday is about, click this link: Bastille Day – French National Holiday.
***A note to my bipolar bloggers (or even just bipolar readers, or anyone who knows): If you know of any good sites that are basic primers on Bipolar Disorder (and GAD, PD, PTSD, OCD, ICD), would you send me the links? I have gotten to a point where I have read so much on the brain and how these things affect it, that my go-to sites are generally places like PubMed, and I forget that not everyone in the whole world understands the scholarly language, nor do they want to know the finer points of which neurotransmitters are involved in what. Thanks so much in advance! ~ Ruby***
So I took a sleeper late Thursday night/early Friday morning, and with the exception of a few brief interludes (e.g. my very short post yesterday), I have been asleep ever since (after reading the aforementioned post, I was arguably asleep when I wrote it). This is what happens when I start a project and then don’t keep up with it: I’ve got at least a dozen comments to respond to/posts to comment on (I know, not like 100, but I try to respond to each with thought and depth) both on my blog and the blogs I read, 17 – no joke or exaggeration, 17 - unfamiliar blogs to thoroughly read, examine, and in all ways vet (usually this process includes commenting and seeing what, if any, response I get), which may seem overly intense, but I have recommended and/or put blogs on my blogroll that seemed like good start-ups, only to realize they were – well one I’m even wondering about the honesty/authenticity of – not anything I wanted associated with my page after the fact, so it has caused me to be extra-careful (once bitten. . .). Now I spend probably a minimum of 45 minutes on each, and if they’re very new, I put them on “watch” status: I check back in with them every few days so that I can form a proper impression.
A number of these blogs also have blogrolls, which of course I check out as well, so this process becomes basically endless.
I’m still working on. . . I am not even going to count the number of pages I need to edit as well as links I have to double-check before I add them to this blog, so that I can finish my “construction,” for now anyway. I have another blog post that I need to write up, which will probably be broken down into about three separate days, but it’s different from my normal posts, much more focused and expository, not to mention extremely important and potentially difficult to write. It’s one of those things that I am also extremely ambivalent about writing, but in the final analysis I know that I really need to, whatever the reaction from the masses. I had planned on setting aside yesterday for that purpose, so I am already behind.
Also, tonight I have the semi-dreaded dinner with my father (even though it was my idea, I blame the sleeper because it wasn’t my original idea and it’s a more direct and confrontational approached than I had planned on initially), so everyone wish me luck with that. As a nice little topper, my chin has been breaking out from all the stress in my life lately, so I have to allow extra time while getting ready to do a full face (also because I get terrible dark circles when I sleep for too long as well as not long enough) - my skin has been so kind to me lately and I haven’t needed to do one of those in ages. Sigh.
I also have yet another project brewing in my mind. . . Lord help me. . . but that’s just going to have to wait.
So that was what I had set aside three days for, and now I’m down to one and a quarter. And yes, I can continue on into Monday and further if I need to, I’m pretty sure I don’t have anything to interrupt the day, and no, no one will die or be grievously injured if I don’t get it all done on my deadline -
And I just remembered a bill that was due yesterday that I have to go pay (I’ll potentially get socked with a $30 late fee on a $30 bill now), as well as a prescription that needs filling.
This is why I stopped planning things in my life. Because they don’t work out when I do.
Moral of the story: ”The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men/Gang aft agley/An’ lea’e us nought but grief ‘an pain,/For promis’d joy!” ~ Robert Burns
