This is the page that I really didn’t want to do. *sigh* But I have to, if I’m going to really tell you about myself, and I realized that I can do it in such a way that it isn’t just a list of my diagnoses, because over the years I have learned that A) that list doesn’t even begin to describe or cover it, B) diagnoses are only helpful insofar as they can point you in the direction of the proper treatment, and C) labels are for jelly jars.
I do carry a number of psychiatric diagnoses, I think at last count there were six. I know I have referenced some of them more directly in my posts, but I’m only going to tell you one outright here, and that would be Bipolar Disorder I, treatment-resistant.
I read and have on my Blogroll a number of blogs that deal specifically with BD (clinical shorthand for Bipolar Disorder) and other mental illnesses, and I understand why someone would choose to focus their blog on that particular aspect of their life.
But here’s why I have chosen not to.
I have been diagnosed for about six years now. I have been medicated into a stupor, I have had my ear talked off by multiple therapists who know nothing about that of which they speak (my wonderful friend and fellow blogger lunasunshine said, “nothing prepares you for being a parent like being a parent,” the same applies to mental illness: nothing – not even years of schooling and practice – prepares you for having a mental illness like having a mental illness), I have had my brain shocked 16 times over, and six years later I am not any better than I was the day I began this journey. There is not a single day that goes by during which something doesn’t remind me that I am mentally ill, from a timer telling me to take my medications to a reminder of someone I loved who has chosen to no longer want me in their life because of it. The last thing in the world I wanted or needed was something else (especially something I created and had a choice about) shouting, “YOU HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS!!!”
But that isn’t all, not by a long shot. When you carry multiple diagnoses, as I do, your doctors and therapists will often talk to you about how it’s difficult to tease out the strands of which illness causes what behavior or symptom (really, thanks, couldn’t possibly have figured that one out without your help). The same is true with my life. Because I became symptomatic young – I had my first discrete bipolar episode at 14, but I probably had some symptoms of it prior (life generally doesn’t go along in a progression of normal, normal, normal, normal, BOOM, severely bipolar), and I know I had some symptoms of other disorders much younger – as well as the fact that there are many things about my personality that could be considered bipolar-type traits, even without the illness, it can sometimes be very hard to tease out the strands of what is (are) the illness(es), and what is just me being me.
And of course there is the final reason. It may not be the most important to those of you reading this, but it is to me. I am so much more than just a listing of diagnoses (hence the other pages I am creating). I am intelligent and creative and curious and beautiful and honest and a writer and an advocate and a reader. I am wonderful with children, I take interesting photographs, I am loyal and supportive, I am kind, I understand the things in this life that cannot be understood, and I can love like no one you have ever met in all of your days.
One final specific I do want to add here: I sometimes use the term “ECT moment,” both in these pages and in other aspects of my life. Generally this refers to when I have a moment where my brain blanks on something, but it isn’t one of those things I know will come back to me, given enough time. It may be something I’m not even entirely sure if I ever knew or not. So to me it’s an ECT moment – something I have forgotten about because of my electroconvulsive therapy. I use it in a fairly accepting, almost flip way (it is usually accompanied by an internal eye roll and a shake of the head). It isn’t my intention to make anyone uncomfortable by using this term, but the way I see it, I have lived through it and made my peace with it as much as possible. If it does make you uncomfortable (unless you, too, have experienced the joys of ECT), that’s entirely your issue. If I can get over it, I would sure as hell think you could.
Addendum: As of August 2012, I have to report that I am better. I am much better, I am healing, I am happy. Certain things still lurk, they always will, but I have been (and will continue to be) kicking their asses all over the place.
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My family has dealt with severe mental illness. We have grown angrily accepting as we’ve learned more about the inability to ever be “normal.” I only see it from the outside looking in and I guess it makes me lucky though I’ve never felt that way. A person most dear to me has suffered countless diagnosis and miracle medical treatments that were no help. She perseveres and is possibly the most incredible person I know. Thank you for sharing your story and someday, I hope my special someone will share theirs as well.
I’m sorry your family has been affected by this. It isn’t a fun road to travel, but I refuse to let it make me angry or ashamed. I vent sometimes about it, but I’m not going to let it turn me bitter and I am not going to hide my conditions as though I were ashamed of them.
I hope your “special someone” shares their story as well. It isn’t easy, but it’s extremely liberating. Thank you for taking the time to respond to this.
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My ‘conditions’ have different names than yours but the feelings…my defiance and unwillingness to give in, my feisty-ness, my optimism, my raucous laughter, my spiritual grace in spite of my physically clumsiness, … we’re all mixed bags, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I get it! I’ve been graced with a good, supportive therapist NOW…but I’ve also seen ones who I could puke over. And I’ve been a therapist evaluator for years before my stroke put me on indefinite hold.
So people, helper and helpees, just don’t get it about “I’m fine just the way I am now..please leave me alone”. I need my defenses and if you leave me alone, I’ll let you in. Maybe. Maybe.
Anyway…HELLO!
TD
Right as usual, Taxi Dog. I can’t say that I am content with where (and who) I am at the moment, but shoving therapy at me when I am not ready or willing to be an active participant in the process is just asinine.
The issues I need to work through – well, when I’m ready, I will. Until then. . . Back the truck up!
And it’s wonderful to hear from you. “HELLO!” right back.
Even though I focus my blog on mental health, I’m still ambivalent about it, so I can relate to not wanting the blog to scream about mental illness. Even though for practical purposes I might refer to mental illness and such, I’m not fully comfortable with the label. I’ve actually started several posts about this idea, but I always seem to lose my train of thought. Maybe some day.
It’s kind of ironic, because the past few months, even when I wasn’t writing specifically about mental health, so much of my illness was coming through in everything. C’est la vie. I guess as long as I don’t feel locked into or defined by the topic, I’m okay including it.
And I meant what I said about your blog truly deserving the designation of “Versatile.” I quite enjoy the fiction that you include.
Thank you for reaching out to me, as I’m happy to have found your blog. Keep on fighting the good fight, you have all my support. Looking forward to reading more from you.
As I am looking forward to reading more from you, Eric. Thank you most kindly for your support, I humbly offer back what little I can at this moment.
Thank you, Ruby.
(I also received a notification of a Facebook friend request which I will gladly accept once I’m back from my Facebook hiatus, around May).
Lovely. Enjoy your time away from fb, I know I always do!
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I have found that depression and other mental illness is especially prevalent amoung creative people. So, hey, we’re not nuts, we’re just extremely creative, right? I tend to joke about, well, pretty much everything that I can because that is how I cope. So I have a bit of a dark sense of humor. It helps. What also helps is knowing there are others out there who have struggled and made it, and that you can as well.
I have had depression since at least my teen years. My brother has bipolar syndrome. My mother has depression. It’s all over my family. We are fun at parties. Thank goodness for the Internet. When you feel bad, and you can’t sleep, there are all these places to go. When I’m down, I can’t read anything longer than a magazine article, so blog entries are perfect. Keep with your art. I am an artist too (though not on Paint.) I hope to get a decent camera so I can take my own pictures, and not have to rely on google search. Google search is scary. Word of warning.
I think we have to find creative ways to cope (which encourages other creative outlets), and I’m all for joking about basically all of it. While there are some few scars that are still a bit too tender for me to completely make light of, I feel like it’s one of those “you either laugh or you cry” situations. And I have done enough crying for this lifetime, thank you very much.
I agree that seeing others who have made it out the other side it so important, and now that I am one of them, I want for people to know it. I wrote a post on A Canvas Of The Minds not so long ago about it, called “Yes, Virginia, There Is A Happy Ending” which talked about how I got from there to here, and the things that I felt could be applicable generally. Because now I just want everyone else to be happy, too!
I have the distinction of being the only member of my family (immediate and extended) with serious mental health issues, but I guess I got enough for all of us. Which has been difficult at times, because certain members have not been able to understand, but for the most part has been a huge blessing, because I have a rock solid support system. I wouldn’t be here today without it.
Google search is very scary. You definitely need your own good camera. Mine is still a 35mm, but I love it and it loves me.
Nice to see your comment this morning. Would love more than anything to just crawl back into bed. But I have to wake the kids and struggle through work. Bleh. At least it’s almost Friday.
Yeah, I take my sweet time in responding sometimes. I hope you can get the kids on their way and you on your way and get through your day (hey, that rhymes) without too much duress. I wish you an easy one.