Raise your hand if you’ve ever made a New Year’s resolution. Now raise your hand if you have ever completely failed on one — or most.
Yeah, me too. Actually, I think I got wise to the whole resolution game before I was nine. That was how old I was the last time I made a New Year’s resolution. And no, I don’t remember what it was.
The thing is, failing at a New Year’s resolution isn’t really a very painful experience, like failing at a goal you set for yourself some other time of the year. Why not? Because you know that countless other people are failing at theirs as well. You aren’t alone. It’s a time of year when we can actually all have a bit of a laugh and understanding for our failures. It’s almost expected. We do it together.
Well, I have a better idea for something we can all do together to begin this year. I say we hope for ourselves.
In 2012, I got the thing in my life that mattered most, the thing I thought I had given up hoping for on any real, fundamental level. After half my life dealing with raging mental illness, and the last six years (give or take) causing such acute suffering that I didn’t even know who I was anymore, I had given up ever seeing myself again. I never gave up believing that something would help glue together the pieces into a semblance of myself, but that wonderful, beautiful, bright, happy, intelligent, crazy, head-in-the-clouds-and-hands-in-the-stars me. . . she wasn’t coming back.
Only she did. She’s here.
Last March, one Sunday I woke up and I was the girl I’d been ten years ago. And I knew that she would never go again. I have to keep taking medication, yes, and I’ve had some hiccups, true enough. But I knew that Sunday I had somehow fought through all of those years to get me back. I believed it that first day, and I believe it all these months later.
So let’s do something else this New Year’s Eve, and let’s do it together. Let’s hope.
I may not be the most interactive blogger when I write, but this post is designed differently (and take advantage of that, as it may be the only one!). I’m going to share with all of you, my loves, the things I am hoping for in the year to come. Things for me, in my life. Yes, I hope for a kinder, more peaceful world, and I hope that my girls will continue to find the happiness in growing up and be spared as much as possible from the pain. Of course I hope for those things. Everyone hopes for things such as those.
In this post, though, the hopes I will share with you will be my hopes, for my life. Things upon which I have some direct effect, and things upon which I may have none. And I would love so very much for you to share yours with me in the comments. As many as you would like. You may find this a little scary, when you really get down to it. I certainly do. Because hope touches the most intimate and secret places in our hearts, and it is often something we don’t share with anyone.
But here I go:
- I hope to be good and properly swept off my feet this year. I’ve been in love, and I have even let my heart and senses get ahead of my brain (but not since I was 16). I don’t care if it’s love, and I don’t care if it lasts for a year or a week. I just want to lose all sense of “should I?” and go for it.
- I hope to be able to get out and live on my own. My parents are lovely to have taken me this far, but I need my own space in which I can properly enjoy being me again. I don’t care if it’s a one-room studio, or if it’s drafty, or if I have to walk a million stairs. As long as it has a proper kitchen, washer and dryer hookups, and a bathtub!
- I hope I can have regular dates with my Babygirl once again (lunch on Sundays, perhaps). She is at a place where I feel like she needs me more, and I have always needed her. The difference is that now I can be there for her in a tangible way.
- I hope to get back to kickboxing (I had a nice start pre-mono) and rebuild my strength, my endurance, my confidence, and my body, too. Kickboxing does wonders for me as a mood stabilizer as well, so there really is no downside.
- I hope to do a lot more traveling, both domestically and (kicking in some major hopes) internationally. Rome, Venice, get ready for Ruby!
- I hope all the necessaries can align for me to get that tattoo I’ve been planning for some time. Artist, money, me. . . It matters.
- I hope to learn film development. And yes, I mean color as well. Every time someone tells me how incredibly difficult color is, it makes me want it more and more. Again, there are many things that must align in this equation.
- I hope I can spend more and more time reading. I’ve said previously that I was grateful to just be able to read again at all, and so I was, and so I’ll always be. But that doesn’t have to be the end of it, and I believe that if I work on it, and never say enough, I may be able to get back to reading the way that I used to. To devouring.
- I hope to get back to writing more. Blogging, yes, but more writing for myself. Journaling, writing fiction, sending letters and emails, even. I intend to feed my imagination so much that it has no choice but to bleed through my fingers onto the page.
- I hope to actually do something with my recently discovered love of oil pastels. It may turn out beautifully, it may turn out like the scribblings of a two-year-old, it will most likely turn out somewhere in the middle, but I want it to turn out. I want to lose The Fear.
- I hope, in addition to the general travel wish, to spend a great deal of time at the beach. Or, more precisely, in the ocean!
There you are. From my heart to yours. Now share with me what you have in your heart. What do you hope for in the year to come?
I hope you all have a wonderful year, full of hope, and I send you my love.
Addendum: Hopes have no expiration dates, and this post is not just a New Year’s Eve thing. Keep sharing the things you want for this year (nothing as ugly as “must dos”, but the beautiful “I hopes” — see below for the things others have contributed, if you’re confused), because if you accomplish nothing else, in doing so you spread a little more joy into the world. Also, if you decide to share your hopes on your own blog, let me know with a link!
Oooh, Meizac wrote a post, Meizac wrote a post! Go forth and read: My hopes for the year to come
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