Tag Archives: interaction

Dust Off Your Highest Hopes

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever made a New Year’s resolution.  Now raise your hand if you have ever completely failed on one — or most.

Yeah, me too.  Actually, I think I got wise to the whole resolution game before I was nine.  That was how old I was the last time I made a New Year’s resolution.  And no, I don’t remember what it was.

The thing is, failing at a New Year’s resolution isn’t really a very painful experience, like failing at a goal you set for yourself some other time of the year.  Why not?  Because you know that countless other people are failing at theirs as well.  You aren’t alone.  It’s a time of year when we can actually all have a bit of a laugh and understanding for our failures.  It’s almost expected.  We do it together.

Well, I have a better idea for something we can all do together to begin this year.  I say we hope for ourselves.

In 2012, I got the thing in my life that mattered most, the thing I thought I had given up hoping for on any real, fundamental level.  After half my life dealing with raging mental illness, and the last six years (give or take) causing such acute suffering that I didn’t even know who I was anymore, I had given up ever seeing myself again.  I never gave up believing that something would help glue together the pieces into a semblance of myself, but that wonderful, beautiful, bright, happy, intelligent, crazy, head-in-the-clouds-and-hands-in-the-stars me. . . she wasn’t coming back.

Only she did.  She’s here.

Last March, one Sunday I woke up and I was the girl I’d been ten years ago.  And I knew that she would never go again.  I have to keep taking medication, yes, and I’ve had some hiccups, true enough.  But I knew that Sunday I had somehow fought through all of those years to get me back.  I believed it that first day, and I believe it all these months later.

So let’s do something else this New Year’s Eve, and let’s do it together.  Let’s hope.

I may not be the most interactive blogger when I write, but this post is designed differently (and take advantage of that, as it may be the only one!).  I’m going to share with all of you, my loves, the things I am hoping for in the year to come.  Things for me, in my life.  Yes, I hope for a kinder, more peaceful world, and I hope that my girls will continue to find the happiness in growing up and be spared as much as possible from the pain.  Of course I hope for those things.  Everyone hopes for things such as those.

I hope to do more things like this, with this lady (who has not signed a photo release) if possible

I hope to do more things like this, with this lady (who has not signed a photo release) if possible

 
 
In this post, though, the hopes I will share with you will be my hopes, for my life.  Things upon which I have some direct effect, and things upon which I may have none.  And I would love so very much for you to share yours with me in the comments.  As many as you would like.  You may find this a little scary, when you really get down to it.  I certainly do.  Because hope touches the most intimate and secret places in our hearts, and it is often something we don’t share with anyone.

 
 
But here I go:

  • I hope to be good and properly swept off my feet this year.  I’ve been in love, and I have even let my heart and senses get ahead of my brain (but not since I was 16).  I don’t care if it’s love, and I don’t care if it lasts for a year or a week.  I just want to lose all sense of “should I?” and go for it.
  • I hope to be able to get out and live on my own.  My parents are lovely to have taken me this far, but I need my own space in which I can properly enjoy being me again.  I don’t care if it’s a one-room studio, or if it’s drafty, or if I have to walk a million stairs.  As long as it has a proper kitchen, washer and dryer hookups, and a bathtub!
  • I hope I can have regular dates with my Babygirl once again (lunch on Sundays, perhaps).  She is at a place where I feel like she needs me more, and I have always needed her.  The difference is that now I can be there for her in a tangible way.
  • I hope to get back to kickboxing (I had a nice start pre-mono) and rebuild my strength, my endurance, my confidence, and my body, too.  Kickboxing does wonders for me as a mood stabilizer as well, so there really is no downside.
  • I hope to do a lot more traveling, both domestically and (kicking in some major hopes) internationally.  Rome, Venice, get ready for Ruby!
  • I hope all the necessaries can align for me to get that tattoo I’ve been planning for some time.  Artist, money, me. . .  It matters.
  • I hope to learn film development.  And yes, I mean color as well.  Every time someone tells me how incredibly difficult color is, it makes me want it more and more.  Again, there are many things that must align in this equation.
  • I hope I can spend more and more time reading.  I’ve said previously that I was grateful to just be able to read again at all, and so I was, and so I’ll always be.  But that doesn’t have to be the end of it, and I believe that if I work on it, and never say enough, I may be able to get back to reading the way that I used to.  To devouring.
  • I hope to get back to writing more.  Blogging, yes, but more writing for myself.  Journaling, writing fiction, sending letters and emails, even.  I intend to feed my imagination so much that it has no choice but to bleed through my fingers onto the page.
  • I hope to actually do something with my recently discovered love of oil pastels.  It may turn out beautifully, it may turn out like the scribblings of a two-year-old, it will most likely turn out somewhere in the middle, but I want it to turn out.  I want to lose The Fear.
  • I hope, in addition to the general travel wish, to spend a great deal of time at the beach.  Or, more precisely, in the ocean!

There you are.  From my heart to yours.  Now share with me what you have in your heart.  What do you hope for in the year to come?

I hope you all have a wonderful year, full of hope, and I send you my love.

Addendum: Hopes have no expiration dates, and this post is not just a New Year’s Eve thing. Keep sharing the things you want for this year (nothing as ugly as “must dos”, but the beautiful “I hopes” — see below for the things others have contributed, if you’re confused), because if you accomplish nothing else, in doing so you spread a little more joy into the world. Also, if you decide to share your hopes on your own blog, let me know with a link!

Oooh, Meizac wrote a post, Meizac wrote a post! Go forth and read: My hopes for the year to come

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

The Definition Of Rest

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Yesterday morning, I read a few blog posts (I think I even made a comment or two, amazing!), and I wrote a couple of emails.  By yesterday afternoon, I was in so much pain — both from my spleen and a migraine — that my poor dear mother had to cart me to the urgent care.  Again.  I spoke with my primary, and he told me that since the hydrocodone (Vicoprofen) wasn’t helping, the only thing that was going to break through the pain was a shot.  And it did.  I lay on the table listening to Bob Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man” over and over and relaxed into a Dilaudid-induced peace.

And then the very attractive doctor who was treating me told me I needed to be resting more, and hydrating about three times what I normally would.  And here I thought I had been doing a good job.

I recently heard that when you’ve had mono once, if you get it again, it’s more difficult to get rid of.  I haven’t had a chance to confirm this with my infectious disease specialist, but it wouldn’t surprise me at all if it were true, based on my experiences prior to this one.

The point being, as much as I did like my doctor yesterday (and the nurse practitioner I had last Saturday, but her I didn’t like in a way that could lead to an ethics violation on her part), I want no more talk of IV fluids, I want no more blood draws, and I want no more trips to the urgent care where someone has to sit and waste their afternoon in the waiting room while I rehash my diagnosis and history and get my spleen groped.  I have to learn how to enforce rest upon myself, except for when I’m getting up every half an hour to pee out all of the fluids I need to be taking in.  I did a better job of resting the last time I had mono, after I was discharged from the hospital and had a two-year-old Babygirl in my care.  Either that, or my body is having a much harder time dealing with this at 32 than it did at 20.  That could be it, too.

Wish me luck, only don’t really.  In the interest of rest, I’m disabling comments on this post.  Not because I don’t love you all or because I’m ungrateful, but because I have three posts already I haven’t replied to comments on, and even though all of you are really nice and understanding, I still feel like a jerk about it.

I hope all of you in the States had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and I should probably wish everyone a happy, stress-free holiday season, though I really hope to write a few things before it’s over.

Love,
Ruby

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Alias Dr. Frankenstein

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(Background for this little exercise can be found in the post This Time, I’ll Play (Part Two).)

voiceofautumn, from Lost in the Winterness, has asked me to answer the following questions:

1.  What is your favourite song of all time, and why?  If it is a song that you relate to in some way, personally or it just describes you and your life, please say why

Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Boxer” has been my favorite song since I was quite young.  I think at that age I just enjoyed the music to it, and the fact that even when I was very small I could sing along to “lie-la-lie. . .”  As I have gotten older, I enjoy and relate to the more complex lyrics, particularly the verse:

In the clearing stands a boxer
And a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders
Of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him till he cried out
In his anger and his shame
“I am leaving, I am leaving”
But the fighter still remains. . .

2.  If you had to lose your sight or your hearing permanently, which would you give up and why?

For almost all of my life my instinctual, emphatic answer would have been hearing, because I read and I write as my primary occupations, and those two things are much more difficult – though not impossible – to do without the use of one’s eyes.  But because of recent experiences, the way I have found music stays with me when nothing else in this world does, I would pick the loss of sight over hearing.

3.  Do you believe in “sixth sense”?  What do you believe? Do you believe intuition is part of a sixth sense?

According to its very definition, sixth sense includes intuition.  I believe that some people are able to make better use of all of their senses, and I also believe there is an infinite number of factors that have not yet been named, defined, and neatly classified (most never will) which are responsible for perception in humans.

4.  Dogs or cats?  Discuss

Keeping as pets, eating, watching, being around a houseful, chasing, better hunters, cleaner?  I need more context.

5.  Have you ever experienced a life changing “movie” moment?  (Good or bad)  Describe.

No, neither.  My life rarely plays out like any kind of movie.

6.  Is honesty always the best policy?!

No.

7.  Hope or torture?  Digress

Again, I would need more context with which to do so.  Which do I prefer?  Can they be both sides of the same thing?  Which is more prevalent in the world?

8.  ”A heart can be broken, but it still keeps beating away just the same” – do you believe broken hearts can be mended?

Absolutely.

9.  Ever read a book that changed your life?  Go

I have read many books that have affected my life profoundly, but I cannot say that any have explicitly changed it in and of themselves.  They all connect as puzzle pieces within the context of my life and changes in it.

10.  Ever danced in the rain?  When, why, how did it feel?  (I stole this one!)

Yes, so often I cannot remember, because I wanted to, and the last is intimate and also occasion-dependent.

11.  I believe we can’t exist without having faith in something.  Do you have a faith?  If so, what is it and why do you believe in it?  For example, I believe in the power of love…

Right at this moment I believe in the power of the National Hockey League, because there are games being played and just over two weeks to the playoffs.  ;)

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

In 5. . . 4. . . 3. . . 2. . .

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So two days ago (8 September 2011), I had my six month anniversary of when I began this blog with my first post, The ‘Miracle Max’ Moment.  It’s a little different from (but also much the same as) the type of posts I have come to write since.  It’s a bit of a process to get from throwing out a random thought and seeing what happens to it to letting anything and everything fly and not giving a rip who may be reading it and how they may respond.

For the record, I’m proud to have gotten here from there.  And thank you to everyone who reads what I write, and who has been brave enough to subscribe and be inundated with my ramblings on a near-daily basis.  A very special thank you to those who have stuck out my moods and my life, in non-blog interaction (of course), but also specifically among the bloggers I know, and those I ‘kind of’ know.

I am good at times, I comment and reply to comments and give quality feedback on posts on other blogs (I think, anyway).  And then there are the times – recently, for example – that I turn almost completely to myself and my world.  I may read, but I don’t comment.  I may not return emails or reply to comments on this blog for days.  I may struggle to do anything, both online and off.

But this blog has been my lifeline.  Lately, if nothing else I try to make myself post each day.  Sometimes I just fiddle around with the bright work (the behind-the-scenes stuff that usually no one can really pinpoint, but makes the experience better for everyone).  But this thing truly is my baby.

Thanks also to all of the bloggers who have decided to help in painting Canvas with their wonderful Minds.  ;P  Lulu, Always, ManicMuses, Novalee, and Manic Monday - you are all wonderful, and you occupy a special place in my life.  Being the site’s Admin (though not the only one behind the concept, ahem, Lulu) has given me a taste again of something I wasn’t sure if I was ready to handle, and it has done it in such a way as to not overwhelm me, or even really show its true face until I was well past the biggest hurdles (well, we’ll see about the hurdles part).

It has given me a responsibility and accountability to others.  It may not seem like much, and at the moment we’re in a place where there aren’t too many things I need to do in an Admin capacity (except for recruit more bloggers, we really want for you to join your voice to the chorus, everyone).  But there have been other times, with setup and implementing new ideas and contacting bloggers individually and all the various and sundries. . .

In any case, it’s different from writing this here blog in so many ways.  Not just in that I have a responsibility to other people (though I do), but also in that what I contribute there has to be more ‘focused and directed,’ and less ‘rambling whatever’ – the way I write here.  :D  So I am honing my craft as well.

I decided that six months of good, solid work here – I haven’t posted every day, but I averaged it out to 23 posts a month – deserved a reward.  If you are highly observant, you may have already noticed something a little different (and no, not the background color).  If you are a subscriber and are reading this in your inbox, I think you have to actually visit the page for this to work.  It’s alright, we don’t mind waiting for you. . .  Are you here now?  Good.

Now everyone look upward, all the way to the top of your screen, almost. . . look at the search bar. . . look at my address, my URL. . .  Notice anything?  Notice anything missing?

Yep.  I have my own domain, no more .wordpress.com, just .com!

It’s really much more symbolic than anything.  WordPress still hosts my blog, but I feel more now like it is in fact my blog.  It may seem like a baby step, a little tweak at most, and in a way it is.  But in another way it’s a huge leap from where I was.  I inched along in itty bitty bits, but I got so far.

I think the biggest factor involved is the symbolism.  Because doing this was a big, scary thing for me.  It was an acknowledgement that yes, I have done something worthwhile and kept up with it, and it was a sort of vow to myself that I will continue to do what I love and I will grow it and expand it in any way that I can.

Happy girl.  Actually. . .


(This song and video are solely the property of their respective owners and artists. Absolutely no copyright infringement is intended.)

And as it happens, I opened my curtains this morning for the first time in ages, I swear with no conscious motive other than to let in the light.  I thought in the moment it was pure practicality, but it makes me wonder now.

Moral of the story:  I am Ruby.  See me shine.

(And in case you’re confused or concerned, you can still enter in my old address with the .wordpress.com and it will re-direct you here.)

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

Slow. . . Construction Ahead

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I have been hard at work behind the scenes here, trying to make my blog more personalized and interactive for all of my lovely readers.  I’ve been putting together all sorts of bits and pieces and pieces and bits about myself and my life, so that hopefully you will all be able to relate to me a bit more.

I try to do the majority of “relating” through my writing, and even my photographs.  I think the trick of taking a really outstanding photograph is that you not only show the subject as they really are, but you also somehow manage to make apparent the way you, as the photographer, feel about the subject, whether your audience realizes that is what’s drawing them in or not.

Somewhat unfortunately (for me and this blog), I think this is inevitably easier to convey when you are photographing people than places and things.  But if I’m not willing to put up photos of myself, I’m sure as heck not going to put up any of other people in my life.  Privacy and anonymity and all that jazz.

I’m also adding a section about you!  This idea was inspired – okay, completely purloined, but she said I could – by the lovely miss lunasunshine, known also as Lulu – specifically her post For The Bipolar Bloggers.  Her blog is (of course) on my Blogroll, and is called As the Pendulum Swings.  It is truly excellent, and I highly recommend you checking it out.  I don’t actually have anything to fill this section’s content with yet, but I have high hopes!  (Just what makes that little ant, think he can move that rubber tree plant. . .)

Simply go to the tab at the top of the home page to the right that says “Get Famous!”  This is my collection plate for comments (if I were really clever I could just put a link in here Get Famous! - I am clever!).  Then tell everyone something, anything is good!

When I asked for comments and thoughts on good parenting, I didn’t really get much.  But this is another day, and it is all about narcissism!  (Whoooooo loves narcissism?  I do, I do!)  I’m going to be telling you all sorts of things about me, as I re-tailor this blog, so why don’t you tell me about  you?  You can tell me a bit about your life, your experiences with something that was difficult for you (an illness, ongoing or otherwise, in you or a loved one), something that was wonderful for you (ooh. . . a place to talk about careers and weddings and kids and climbing Mount Everest!), or take one of the pages I’m doing and model it after that.  You don’t have to disclose anything that you don’t want to – even just a favorite quote or some other snippet.  I am really curious, and I also think that it’s a wonderful way for everyone to interact and build a community.  I’ve found so many interesting people simply by reading the comments on other blogs, then following the yellow brick road to the blog of whoever wrote the comment.  Then, of course, I look at that person’s Blogroll and Links and comments and I am now at a point where I have so many blogs and pages bookmarked that I am going absolutely batty and spending half of my day just trying to keep up!  But I like it.  :)

So, even if you don’t have a blog or a website (and FYI, I don’t do commercial advertising here – well, I am going to put up some links to charities I feel are important to me, but those are non-profits helping make the world a better place, so I don’t really consider them in the same light), share with the group!

Whose knows what kind of interesting connections you might make?

Moral of the story:  Stay safe this Independence Day weekend.  No blowing off of fingers or other appendages (because if you do, how can you type and fulfill my dream of a reader page?).  And remember, that’s what we’re celebrating, Independence Day.  July 4th is just another date on the calendar.  

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

What The Hell Do You People Want From Me, Anyway?

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Sigh.  So, in case it isn’t glaringly apparent, I’m tired and cranky and frustrated.  I’m having one of those days where it seems like everyone, absolutely everyone in my life wants something from me, and it’s either something I can’t give or something that’s not in tune with the way I feel or live my life or what I want.

But I’m asking a serious question in the title of this post.  I know that I talk about blogging ultimately being about narcissism and self-gratification, but you know what, that’s because with very rare exceptions, it is.  Everyone who writes a blog, even if they do it because they want to be creative and express themselves or to help people and share knowledge, gets a thrill when they see their stats rising.  All bloggers want more traffic.  Nobody writes on the internet with the intention that no one will read their words.

And I know I have a very, ‘My blog, my rules,’ approach to this whole process.  But ask anyone who knows me, that’s how I live my life.  ’My life, my rules.’  I wouldn’t change it if I could.

And somebody out there finds what I write interesting.  More than one somebody.  For those of you who don’t know, WordPress has these neat little tools that tell you all your site stats.  I know what’s getting read and how often, what’s getting shared, links people click on, and my total number of views for the day and ever (don’t worry, it’s totally anonymous, I don’t know who’s reading what).

I get pretty decent traffic.  I get really decent traffic considering that I’m an amateur and I’m not constantly pushing my posts on people and I only started this thing three-and-a-half months ago.

So why, why, why when I ask for feedback, do I get nothing?  Why doesn’t anyone ever comment on my posts?  Even negative comments generate discussion.  I want to know why you’re reading what you’re reading, why you’re skipping what you’re skipping, what you like and what you don’t, what you want to know more about and what you’re sick of me writing about.  I can’t promise it will change what I write, or the way I write it, but I can promise that I’ll think about it and address it.

Have some empathy for me!

I’m a manic-depressive near shut-in whose main interaction is with a bombardier named Yossarian.  Yes, I talk to friends here and there, online and over the phone, but the highlight of my day is if I happen to get into a conversation that is more meaningful than how-can-I-help-you-today when I’m out running errands.  And I don’t go out every day.

My brain is parched for intellectual stimulation.  The individual with whom I talk at length most often is eight years old.  And yes, she is a very smart eight-year-old, but it isn’t the same.

I thrive on discussion and debate and being introduced to new perspectives and ideas.  And I know that I may come off as a know-it-all bitch, but I’m not, really.  I’m actually very open-minded.  And okay, yes, I can be an incredible bitch – but I would never do it in this forum.  As far as comments and emails go, I figure the same rules apply to me as to anyone brave enough to reach out to me:  Debate, contradiction, and different perspectives are wonderful.  Personal attacks, knocking people down because you can, and being unkind and hurtful are not.  Above everything else, respect is key.

Finally, in case you’re concerned about anonymity on the web, I know that if you aren’t a WordPress member you have to enter your email address to comment.  But you can use any handle you like to be published with your actual comment.  Anything from your full name to the actual tag Anonymous.  No one can see your email address.  Okay, actually, I think I might be able to. . .  Yeah, just checked and I can, but I’m not going to email you unless you email me.  The fact that I just had to go check on whether I could actually see people’s email addresses should be reassuring, right?

Moral of the story:  My brain is atrophying.  I can feel it dying from lack of stimulation as I type this.  Please, don’t let a potentially useful brain go to waste.  Thank you.

© Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . 2011. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ruby Tuesday and I Was Just Thinking. . . with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. This work is protected under a Creative Commons Attribution-Non-Commercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.