Okay, fed, new lingerie, exhausted.

WTF?  I think that my muscles have officially begun to atrophy.  I’ve lost so much weight lately, and these last couple of days have been my first actual test of what my body can do.  It seems like it can’t.

Hang on.

Okay, I am now officially blogging from the bathtub because my mother and aunt are talking downstairs and I can’t focus.  I’m freezing, but I can concentrate.

Can you grow past your early 20s?  I always thought the upper limit for getting taller was like 22, max.  A few months ago the doctor measured me and I was up a half of an inch.  And I’ve been walking around in low-to-no heels these past two days and everyone seems so. . .  Well, short.  Like incredibly short.  I’m going to have them measure me at my next doctor’s appointment and see if we can add to the list of freakish things my body does.

It is really great to be home.  This place is like my fountain of youth (despite how old my muscles and bones currently feel).  I come back and just the city itself renews me.  The smells, the sights, and the fact that everyone is so nice.  Seriously.  All the waitresses call you ‘hon,’ people chat with you about everything, they help you without you having to chase them down and make them do their jobs, I don’t know what the hell it is.

I want to come back here so badly.  To live.  But I’ve got kids out west, my parents aren’t getting any younger, and let’s not even mention the financial impossibility of me moving right now.

I swear to God, though, if I lived back here, so much of the internal dissonance would dissipate (like the alliteration?  I like the alliteration).  I just want to be here.  Sitting in an empty bathtub in the hotel, spine digging into the – what the hell is this tub made from?  Anyway, sitting here in the hotel in unpleasant circumstances and I feel so calm.  It’s amazing.  I can’t remember having felt this calm.  Maybe when I was out visiting my sister, lying on her squishy love seat with my niece asleep on my chest. . .

It’s that kind of really deep, intense, complete sense of internal relaxation.  I almost want to cry because it feels so right.  But I’m too calm!

I think this may turn out to be a week of self-renewal and self-(re)discovery.  A shift of perspective.  Instead of focusing on all of the reasons why it’s impractical and difficult and I can’t, maybe I need to figure out how I can.  I mean, if it could get me back my mental health, that’s it.  Everything else is secondary to that.  Everything else has to come secondary to that.  It’s big and it’s terrifying to contemplate, but if it made me this calm and grounded, on a long-term basis, I could handle all of the scary and complicated.

We’ll see what I say in a week.  ;)

Moral of the story:  Who says you can’t go home?

Much, much better.

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